Wednesday, April 4, 2012

There's No Point In Living If You Can't Feel Alive;

I can't even begin to explain how terrible my week has been. From about Saturday, continuing through today, I've been nothing but a stress ball. Today, has been extremely awful. With finding out I may be losing my job, and the fact that I've been in serious pain for a good 3 days now, and getting into a really bad fight with my best friend, who was the big motivator for the move to Lynnwood, I definitely hit breaking point. I had to ask Mir to take me away from everything because if I didn't escape I was probably going to make a huge mistake. One I couldn't exactly come back from. The thought scared the living shit out of me. It was bad enough that I even stopped, and contemplated all of the reasons why I should do it, and the benefits that people would get out of my being gone. I ended up bursting into tears in Mir's car. I haven't cried like that in front of anyone in months. I'm not okay with how I feel right now, and I don't know how long it will last. All I know is that I'm gonna be up all night, decorating my room, and making my resume. I have to keep going. It's only going to get harder from here. I have to get past this to get to my future. I refuse to back down. Even a little.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Enjoy The Little Things;

I've noticed, that while my meltdowns are still relatively intense, they're also becoming scarce. It's been a long time since I've actually spent longer than a few hours hating everything and everyone (okay, let's be real, I hate humanity as a whole, for a number of reasons, but there are times where I just can't bite my tongue). I'm generally a happier, more outgoing person, when I'm around people I trust and enjoy. Around others, I've noticed that I'm not really shy, but more along the lines of cautious.

It's truly not that my hatred for humanity blocks out my ability to enjoy people, it's mostly the fact that in the last few months, I've learned to rely on people a lot less, and in doing so, I've cut ties with almost everyone, in an effort to keep up with it. I know it's okay to ask for help sometimes, but right now that's the last thing I need to do. I'm almost 24 years old. "It's time to nut up or shut up."

I really am grateful for those people who have been there through some of my worst moments, and I'm especially grateful to the ones who taught me that sometimes you have to be alone to learn the lessons you wouldn't be able to learn otherwise. I've come a long way, just in the last few months. I truly have.

At the same time, however, with these turn of events also comes a relatively abnormal stress level (for someone like me, anyway). There's so much to think about, so much to remember, so much to learn. It's hard trying to focus on so many things at once, and it feels like if I lose focus in even one thing, the whole thing will come crashing down. I have faith in myself these days, though. I can get through this.

Monday, March 26, 2012

They Say That Things Change;

Everything around me is moving at a faster pace than I am. I'm doing my best to keep up but I feel like I'm dragging people behind. Two of my best friends just moved into their own apartment, one of them has a job that he loves, and she's even going out looking for one. What am I doing? Slacking off at the job I have now; Even if it is a small one, that's still not something I should be doing. So now it's time to stop.

I won't say I'm going to try. I won't say I can't do it, because I know I can. I've held out for this long, why back out now? This job has already opened up quite a few possibilities for me, emotionally more than anything. I honestly feel better than I have in months lately, (minus the time I spent being sick, that kind of messed things up a bit) and I'm going to do whatever it takes to continue the path I'm on now.

There's more than one reason I'm finally buckling down, one of which is the trip to Japan I plan to make before I'm 30. The other one, well, that one's still just something I'm debating on. I already feel like I've decided but I really wanna do more research and give it more thought before I make a solid decision. Now, if you don't mind me, I've got some sleep to catch up on.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sleep-Deprived; Somewhat Maniacal Ranting:

Okay, so nobody in the house is awake except for me. I get to spend all day scrubbing walls. Let me tell you, my back is quite literally on fire right now. Granted, taking behavioral medication to complete these tasks may not be the best way to go about it, but lately I can't seem to focus on anything except for work, my friends, and my family. I'm honestly starting to think I'm in trouble, considering all the goals I had this year.

I do have a job, but not much of one. It's almost summertime and I haven't really lost any weight, it keeps fluctuating because I'm not on a proper diet. I have yet to even save up for an apartment, let alone a car. There are so many things I want to do and it feels like the harder I try, the slower progress is made. I have to fight myself just to get out of bed for work these days. If only I hadn't gotten sick... That ruined everything.

No worries. I just have to keep working, and keep doing what I can, because giving up is not the way to get things done. I'm thinking of making fliers hiring myself out to babysit/petsit or just do odd jobs. I need to get myself out there if I'm ever going to get somewhere. I'm terrified to work with people, mostly because I just don't trust anyone, unless they've proven themselves. I hate humanity. Unfortunately.

On a side note; I just wanna share with everyone how much better I've been. Work is going well, minus the few days I missed due to the 2-week long virus that ran around town. I've been ATTEMPTING to teach myself how to focus on one certain task, but there are days where I just don't know how... Family's good, better than we've been in a long time, I might add. Minus Sam and Eric moving yesterday, the friendships are pretty solid too. It's been a long time since I've actually been able to say that I am perfectly happy.

Another side note: To those of you whom I know will question this; I've decided against quitting smoking for the time being. Now, that said, I refuse to buy packs anymore. I've gotten fairly good at talking myself out of buying one. For now, I'm just going to be a light smoker. Getting rid of a crutch that's lasted almost 12 years
is no easy task, and with everything else going on right now, I can't focus enough to put my foot down...

I have issues and kinks to be solved and worked out, but generally, yeah. I'm happy. :)

Friday, March 2, 2012

It's The Little Things That Kill;

I've noticed quite a few things the last few weeks. While I still may not have money very often, my habit of using it all on useless junk has dissipated. I'm able to get more things done that I need to. I just don't feel like spending money on myself anymore. I have more important things to worry about.

I bought a new bus pass yesterday, reduced fair. Saving $15 a month for the next year, not counting how much I'll save from the trips to Tacoma and back. That kind of money adds up. Also, I haven't bought myself a pack of cigarettes in quite some time, so that's just adding even more to my savings.

Every penny I save, I think, "You're that much closer to Japan. It's only a matter of time." Pretty damn good inspiration if you ask me. What better way to save money than to use the one thing you know you want to do more than anything else on the planet? It's helping, a lot.

I have so many people to thank. My life is getting better, little by little. The more it does, the easier I can sit back and just let it happen. Even with me being sick, I'm still somewhat motivated to get things done. I'm also working on breaking my nail biting habit. It's a work in progress.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Some Things You Can't Control;

Now, I really don't mean to offend or upset anyone by posting this, but this is just something I've been a little upset with for a while now. You say you're my friend, but you insist that there are things about me that need to change. You say you care, and yet when I ask for help, nobody steps up to bat. Now I don't want to sound like a selfish bitch, but you have to cut me some slack here. I can't do everything.

Some people react to things differently than you do. I react by getting things off my chest. Maybe not in the best way, but that's the only way I really know how. I know I complain, but seriously? Who doesn't? Give me a list of names that you know don't complain at least once a day. You can't. You know that.

Some people, while they understand quite a few aspects of your personality, still don't understand quite everything. Nobody is the same person. We live different experiences, love different people, and spend our time differently. Is it really so wrong that they act, think, speak, and handle things differently? What about the people who are born physically or mentally unable to do something? You don't sit there and tell them its all in their head and that they can do whatever you can, do you? I would hope not.

Think about it, seriously think about it, and put yourself in my shoes. Look at everything I've been trying to do lately, look at how sick I am now, and tell me you wouldn't be as messed up as me.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

It's A Little Bit Funny, This Feeling Inside;

Okay. I admit. I was wrong. Horribly wrong.

Ever since I started working out, and dieting, my energy level has been through the roof. Yesterday, I actually left the house MORE THAN ONCE. Planned on just taking a stroll around the neighborhood. Instead, I took a longer, more scenic route around Martin Way. Then, not long after coming home, left once again. This is relatively unlike me as of late, and it's weirding me out a little bit.

Not only am I motivated, but I'm motivated in all the right ways. Today, I woke up, with so much energy that a light bulb probably went off or exploded over my head, metaphorically, of course. I cleaned the kitchen, which was already relatively sparkly and clean. Since that didn't take up much time, I cleaned my room. Now, normally, I just straighten it up a bit, so it's never actually really dirty, but today that just wasn't cutting it. I do believe I spent a total of two hours, just cleaning my room. Very unlike me.

Now, if only I had a way to get around, I could actually leave my house. That's a work in progress though, I'm afraid. There's only so much I have control of as of this moment. Ah well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Anywho, thanks are given to friends and family who've shown me how stupid I was in the past. I say that because I know it's true. I could have been doing more than sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. Now, I feel like if I had the proper tools, I could do The Brain's dirty work for him.

"Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!"

Saturday, January 28, 2012

All Signs Point To Freedom;

I'm truly happy. Yes, there are things I need to work on. Yes, I'm aware that I have a long way to go before I get my life exactly where I want it. For now, I'll take what I have in stride, with a smile on my face.

A LOT has happened this month. I've lost my identity, friendships, basically everything substantial in my life. However, I know now that in order to better myself, such things needed to be lost, that way, once they returned (if they did), I could appreciate them in a whole new light.

To those who have been here the whole way through, thank you, so much, for your support, your ears, and your shoulders. I owe you a great deal. To those who have returned, after I believed I had lost you for good, thank you for being the ones who showed me that you have to lose something important to truly fix yourself.

Today is definitely something new. I've been bursting with happiness the last few hours, and it just keeps getting stronger. I don't feel like it's going anywhere like I usually do either. This is something I plan on holding onto tightly. I will not let this feeling go. It's too precious to me right now. I have free myself of the need to constantly bring myself down in fear of losing what makes me happy. Now, I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure it sticks around. I won't be afraid anymore.

Monday, January 23, 2012

There's A First Time For Everything;

Today was a bit of a bust, and a plus all in one. Went errand-running with my mom, hoping to just get my ID replaced, and my Social Security card situation at least dealt with, but I couldn't do either today. Stupid licensing offices and their tendencies of being closed on Mondays. Without my ID, can't really do anything right now.

Even after all of that, I landed myself with a job. My mom had some grunt work that needs to be done, so 10 hours a week, I'm doing whatever she tells me to. She made me realize that I can't just sit down and wait for something to happen. I have to go looking for it. Making excuses and telling myself I'll do it later won't work.

"Take the words 'but' and 'try' out of your vocabulary. Replace them with 'and' and 'will'."
"Every day, write down five things you're grateful for."

Saturday, January 21, 2012

We All Have Our Breaking Points;

We human beings can only take a certain amount of stress before we break down. Normally, I can't take very much at all, but lately I'd like to say I've been doing a lot better about that, but the last few weeks haven't been so pleasant. Losing my identity, not having anyone to talk to, then the weather being so crappy I couldn't even leave the house, it's taken its toll on me. Lately, it's been a bit harder for me to just break down entirely, but after the events of the last few weeks, I guess it was just bound to happen sooner or later.

As some people say, and as I like to believe, there's only one place to go from rock bottom. I'm seriously hoping this coming week brings a solution to at least a few of my issues, then the stress level won't be quite so high, and maybe I can start to get my life on track again without much issue.

On top of all this, I owe a few people an apology. With the weather being so insane, and our power being out for a short while, a few of my roommates have been working a lot harder than usual with their paper routes. I'm sorry to each and every one of you, for making my issues seem like a much bigger ordeal. You guys have all been working in spite of the dangerous roads, falling trees, and other problems that had arisen, just to make sure we all have a roof over our heads, and the necessities of every day living. I had no right to just flaunt my displeasure at the situation around like your feelings didn't matter. I'll try to be a little more considerate in the future. You may forgive me, or you may not, your choice. Just know, I am truly sorry.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

When You Realize You Really Are Alone;

I really don't have anyone else to turn to do I? I don't have anyone willing to help me when I absolutely need it. Even if it's something as small as a ride somewhere, or a tiny amount of money, just to get my life back on track. I don't ever ask much of anyone, even though I'm always dropping everything for people, going out of my way, sharing what little I have. Somehow, when I really need it, none of that matters anymore.

Why do I go through the trouble then? I put myself in crappy situations to help other people out. Everyone else has always come before me. Some people may not see it that way, but it's true, most of the time. Now, I'm done letting people walk all over me, I'm not lending a hand to those who don't deserve it anymore. So prove yourself to me, and I just might help you. Try to take advantage of me, and I'll write you off like that.

I can't do this to myself anymore. I can't do this by myself, not when I have nothing to work with. Shame on those who can't lift a finger to help someone who's been there in the past. You are the selfish ones.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Wonter Insanity-land

There's a max of 3 inches of snow on the ground here in Washington.... EVERYTHING is closed. For real? Growing up where I did, I can seriously say this is nothing. I miss the yearly blizzards, the snow plows running every day just so that we could go to work/school. Pittsburgh, PA had such a bad winter one year, I remember having almost a full week of extra school days at the end of the year because of how bad that winter was.

I can't wait to move back to Pennsylvania. So much snow, all winter long, none of this waiting until January crap. I wonder what the residents of Washington would do there. They'd probably hole up  together for hibernation. Ha. I'm such a northerner. No shame. :)

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Still Beneath Snow;

Winter is my favorite time of year. I have always loved the snow. Growing up in Pennsylvania, we saw it every year, without fail. Something about it changes me, every time. It's so still. Time stops.

My life has always, and I mean always, been somewhat chaotic and stressful. Moved around a lot growing up, never really minded that much, we usually stayed in the same state back then. Mom worked hard just to be able to keep us in a nice house, with food on our plates every night. Typical childhood for the most part.

Winter time never changed for me, up until we moved to Texas. We still got the same beautiful winters every year. Our biggest constant for 14 years. Winter is my heart and soul. It's part of me. During the winter time, especially if it snows, my whole outlook on life is completely different. During the winter, I am invincible.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Tearing At The Seams;

I have so much to be happy about lately, and yet so much to be scared of.

I've lost most of my friends by this point, and for the most part I'm okay with that. However, no matter how hard we try to deny it, we human beings rely on each other, no matter how hard we try not to. It may be for personal reasons, or even work-related. Either way, we all rely on each other somehow. 

I really do try not to rely on others, unless it's to talk to. I've always felt my life has been easier when I have someone who will listen to my crazed rants, give me the brutal truth, and still be there when I realize I was wrong. However, I've yet to completely regain my trust for the general population. Then there's the minor situation of no transportation or identification... 

I firmly believe that everything has reasoning behind it. Everything we encounter is a set path for us. I see this as a test, to prove myself, or a sign that I haven't truly started rebuilding myself just yet because I still had so much to lose. Either way, I know that I can get myself through this, I just have to keep my chin up. Until I get everything on track, I've just been reading/watching anime, learning new life lessons, because you can never learn too many life lessons. Even if they are irrelevant, they may not be in the future.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Learning Experience;

So, I lost my wallet today, wandering around downtown. I'm not exactly sure how, I just know I went to Bayview for sushi and it was gone. I wandered around for two hours looking for it, constantly checking the transit center. My identity was in there. All of it. As well as my food stamps card, and a copy of my green card. This is the first time I've lost something of this magnitude in quite some time.

I can't blow it off and act like everything's okay. If my wallet doesn't turn up, there's a chance I have to start completely over, and unfortunately, I literally cannot do it without help. Some of the things that have been said to me prove how selfish the world is. Everything has a price in someone's mind, or, some people just don't care about your problems, and just tell you to get over it, or say something that only makes you feel worse.

Then there's the times when you think you can rely on someone when you need them, only to be wrong. It took me so long just to be able to find a way to get myself home today. I called at least 4 people. Nobody answered, or ever responded to my messages. Yeah, I'm pissed. I needed help and nobody was there. So it's true, I can't rely on anybody but myself. So here I go to fix the problem I got myself into, alone.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Lost for Motivation;

The last few days have been fairly great, productivity-wise. Lately I just haven't been able to allow myself to sit still very long. There's so much to do, I don't know why I didn't see it sooner. I guess I just thought, "Hey I have plenty of time left." Wrong. So wrong. I have so much to do, just in the next year or two. If I would have started this two years ago I'd be done by now. Oh well. We all make mistakes.

I've been so intent on keeping myself busy, that it's causing a lot of pain. There hasn't been a single day this week where my back hasn't hurt like hell, but I'm suffering through it. I have to teach myself to ignore the pain, and just do what I need to do. There are so many things I have to do, I'm almost going insane from it all.

Study, find a job, GED, my own apartment, college, license, car. In that specific order. Crap.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

That's some mighty fine cleaning solution;

I can't believe how amazing my day has been. I'm dead serious. I've been super productive today. Finally back into my HTML stuff, spent 4 hours fixing a profile of mine, cleaned the kitchen spotless, overall, I'm pleased. I think I'm finally on my way to better things, and its about time if you ask me.

I'm happy to say that there are a few people that I honestly love to death for what they've done for me. I've finally found the right people to surround myself with. You guys are amazing. Whether its your brutal honesty, your ability to make me laugh, or helping me better myself for myself, I honestly appreciate it all. It's been a rough two years, and in the end, I found the people I could rely on. <3

Friday, January 6, 2012

When Life Gives You Lemons; Use It For Cleaning Solution.

So, it's been a couple days since my last post, I apologize. I've been focusing mainly on studying, and staying out of my room as much as I possibly can. The last few days have been abnormally great. Up until this morning. It's come to my attention that a girl who very nearly ruined my life is coming back to Olympia. I'm sure some of you already know the story. I bought her alcohol, and she didn't handle herself in public. Got arrested, gave them my name and address, and told them I was solely responsible for her. Without my knowing any of this was going on. She dragged me to a rave that night, and ditched me. I was lucky, and ran into somebody I knew rather well while I was there. Made it home safely, and promptly was kicked out.

Keep in mind, it's not as big of a deal as it sounds. This is something from the past, and it's still got a slight hold on my mind, but not anything serious. I was mistreated by someone I saw as my best friend, someone I could talk to about anything and everything. I trusted her, with my own life almost. Then she abused that trust. It was her who started the process of me being able to write people off that screw me over too badly.

On the other hand, it was nobody's fault other than my own. I made a stupid choice, knowing it was stupid, and I dealt with the consequences. Granted, they ended up being nowhere near as horrible as they could have been, I know this. Instead of spending some time in jail, I had to sacrifice another dear friend to the drama. While I was dealing with being screwed over, I guess in some way this person had had enough.

Now like I said before, I've dealt with the consequences, and it's only got a semi-grip on my mind, but in some ways, this incident has also helped me. Without it, I would not be where I am today. I wouldn't be on the way to making my life what it should be. I wouldn't have made some of the friends I have now, and even though some of them are gone, they still meant a lot to me at the time. They helped me through some really hard stuff. I just wish they weren't part of the sacrifice I had to make to become a better person.

Anywho, I've gotten my problems off my chest, I'm hoping this was all I needed to finally let go.
Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Running, running as fast as we can, do you think we'd make it?

I've started to notice how easily I turn to escape when I reach a problem. I look up ways to run away from whatever is bothering me, or whatever I don't like, instead of staying, and dealing with the issue.

Fighting with roommates has me looking for apartments at 1am, at the beginning of the month, when I have no money. Why can't I just stay and fight? This is the only option I have right now. Why throw it away?

I honestly don't understand why I do things like this. I run. I push. I fight, when I shouldn't. Maybe it's time I go back to counseling. Who knows. It might help me figure my life out, since apparently I can't do that alone.

Monday, January 2, 2012

First Blog Of The New Year;

We all have resolutions that we break, which is why this year, I'm making a very short list of resolutions, that I know I won't break, because I've got to do them if I want to get somewhere in life.

I don't want to be a failure anymore. I want to be someone who's happy and positive. I don't want people to feel like they can't be around me. I want to be someone everyone loves. That's one of my goals this year.

It's been a long, stressful, exciting, terrifying year, and I'm glad it's finally over. Now is my time to fix the mistakes I have made, or at least know what not to do anymore. I've learned my lesson. Drugs are BAD.

I've got so many plans for this year already, and they're all going to get done. If I have to give myself extra time, I will, but I will not fail in my missions. I won't allow myself to.