Life-changing epiphanies; Those who work will earn.

Well, hello again.

It has been quite some time since I have done something like this, which only means this will be a long, somewhat frazzled post. So much to let go of, and so much to share just for the sake of sharing.

A lot has happened in the last few years. There was a small stretch of time where I figuratively hit rock-bottom and destroyed my self-esteem, self-respect, and very nearly my own life. Not quite something worth mentioning, but along the end of that came someone who aided me in beginning the task of rebuilding my life. As short-lived as the occassion was, it has led to so many positive things in my life, which will make me forever grateful it happened at all.

Some of these positive things are wonderful surprises, such as removing the unhealthy temptations of my previous life, earning a semi-official certificate of education, which led to a future which neither I, or my family, expected to ever occur. My first attempt at community college did not quite go as planned, but it taught me that hard work and patience will get you everything you ask for, if you have the willpower to do it. Following this, I finally landed a job, after almost a decade of either not caring, or not being able to find work. The job isn't much and it won't last long, but the people I am surrounded with are more like me than I've ever found elsewhere.

Unfortunately, negativity is unavoidable. So many of our fellow humans are too scared of whatever may frighten them, and we all know fear does not promote positivty. This is just not okay, on any level. Humanity is a feat to be reckoned with, with our wars, hatred and greed being traits that turn us into some questionable people. We allow it all ourselves, however, with our tendency to repel that which we find threatening. We only get what we put out into the world, isn't that what everyone says these days? So why put out negativity and hurtful things? It seems pointless to do that to yourself, as well as everyone else. We all have our burdens to bear, let's stop focusing on everyone else's drama or success.

I am thrown into a long, stressful search for full time work, due to the loss of a long-held crutch that has allowed me to survive with ease for the last decade. Mere weeks remain until the final stretch of this phase in my life. No, I am not experiencing the worst life can give me. Of that, I am well aware. I have, in the past, experienced worse things. This does not make me better than those who have not experienced these things. It is none of my business what others have been through, so why are we so focused on what everyone else is doing with their lives?

No matter any situation, we need to remember that the only person we can truly trust with everything we have is ourselves. If we don't want someone to use us, why not fight for our self-respect and our trust? Show them that you are not one to back down when it comes to a fight. I have always believed this, no matter how crazed my life got. Early on, maybe I believed this too strongly. Many of my years were spent fighting any source of difference in my life that I didn't approve of. It was my way, or you got a literal earful. Not a good way to live your life as a child. This caused a long life of declining willpower and internal strength, due to fear of regression (which has occurred at least once in the last decade). That very regression led to the final straw on the proverbial camel's back, which then led to the epiphany that maybe, just maybe, I was going about it all wrong.

Any situation, any problem, any challenge; In order to get past it, we have to WORK on it and TALK about it. You cannot get through something entirely on your own if you don't have complete and utter trust in yourself and your beliefs. It's taken me a long time, and one or two life-threatening situations, for me to come to terms with this. Not only does it cause low self-worth and self-respect, but it hardens you to those who would be nothing but loving.

I owe a lot of these thoughts to one person who came at a time in my life that, on more than one occassion, made me wonder where I would be today, had he not come around. My newfound self-respect comes from long talks, or extensive texts, full of talk about body image, the will to love yourself, and to outgrow those pesky comfort zones you bury yourself in.

Thank you for being the exact kind of father figure I have always needed in my life. Some days, I'll admit to wishing you could have come around sooner, but you being here at all is more than enough.

There's No Point In Living If You Can't Feel Alive;

I can't even begin to explain how terrible my week has been. From about Saturday, continuing through today, I've been nothing but a stress ball. Today, has been extremely awful. With finding out I may be losing my job, and the fact that I've been in serious pain for a good 3 days now, and getting into a really bad fight with my best friend, who was the big motivator for the move to Lynnwood, I definitely hit breaking point. I had to ask Mir to take me away from everything because if I didn't escape I was probably going to make a huge mistake. One I couldn't exactly come back from. The thought scared the living shit out of me. It was bad enough that I even stopped, and contemplated all of the reasons why I should do it, and the benefits that people would get out of my being gone. I ended up bursting into tears in Mir's car. I haven't cried like that in front of anyone in months. I'm not okay with how I feel right now, and I don't know how long it will last. All I know is that I'm gonna be up all night, decorating my room, and making my resume. I have to keep going. It's only going to get harder from here. I have to get past this to get to my future. I refuse to back down. Even a little.

Enjoy The Little Things;

I've noticed, that while my meltdowns are still relatively intense, they're also becoming scarce. It's been a long time since I've actually spent longer than a few hours hating everything and everyone (okay, let's be real, I hate humanity as a whole, for a number of reasons, but there are times where I just can't bite my tongue). I'm generally a happier, more outgoing person, when I'm around people I trust and enjoy. Around others, I've noticed that I'm not really shy, but more along the lines of cautious.

It's truly not that my hatred for humanity blocks out my ability to enjoy people, it's mostly the fact that in the last few months, I've learned to rely on people a lot less, and in doing so, I've cut ties with almost everyone, in an effort to keep up with it. I know it's okay to ask for help sometimes, but right now that's the last thing I need to do. I'm almost 24 years old. "It's time to nut up or shut up."

I really am grateful for those people who have been there through some of my worst moments, and I'm especially grateful to the ones who taught me that sometimes you have to be alone to learn the lessons you wouldn't be able to learn otherwise. I've come a long way, just in the last few months. I truly have.

At the same time, however, with these turn of events also comes a relatively abnormal stress level (for someone like me, anyway). There's so much to think about, so much to remember, so much to learn. It's hard trying to focus on so many things at once, and it feels like if I lose focus in even one thing, the whole thing will come crashing down. I have faith in myself these days, though. I can get through this.

They Say That Things Change;

Everything around me is moving at a faster pace than I am. I'm doing my best to keep up but I feel like I'm dragging people behind. Two of my best friends just moved into their own apartment, one of them has a job that he loves, and she's even going out looking for one. What am I doing? Slacking off at the job I have now; Even if it is a small one, that's still not something I should be doing. So now it's time to stop.

I won't say I'm going to try. I won't say I can't do it, because I know I can. I've held out for this long, why back out now? This job has already opened up quite a few possibilities for me, emotionally more than anything. I honestly feel better than I have in months lately, (minus the time I spent being sick, that kind of messed things up a bit) and I'm going to do whatever it takes to continue the path I'm on now.

There's more than one reason I'm finally buckling down, one of which is the trip to Japan I plan to make before I'm 30. The other one, well, that one's still just something I'm debating on. I already feel like I've decided but I really wanna do more research and give it more thought before I make a solid decision. Now, if you don't mind me, I've got some sleep to catch up on.

Sleep-Deprived; Somewhat Maniacal Ranting:

Okay, so nobody in the house is awake except for me. I get to spend all day scrubbing walls. Let me tell you, my back is quite literally on fire right now. Granted, taking behavioral medication to complete these tasks may not be the best way to go about it, but lately I can't seem to focus on anything except for work, my friends, and my family. I'm honestly starting to think I'm in trouble, considering all the goals I had this year.

I do have a job, but not much of one. It's almost summertime and I haven't really lost any weight, it keeps fluctuating because I'm not on a proper diet. I have yet to even save up for an apartment, let alone a car. There are so many things I want to do and it feels like the harder I try, the slower progress is made. I have to fight myself just to get out of bed for work these days. If only I hadn't gotten sick... That ruined everything.

No worries. I just have to keep working, and keep doing what I can, because giving up is not the way to get things done. I'm thinking of making fliers hiring myself out to babysit/petsit or just do odd jobs. I need to get myself out there if I'm ever going to get somewhere. I'm terrified to work with people, mostly because I just don't trust anyone, unless they've proven themselves. I hate humanity. Unfortunately.

On a side note; I just wanna share with everyone how much better I've been. Work is going well, minus the few days I missed due to the 2-week long virus that ran around town. I've been ATTEMPTING to teach myself how to focus on one certain task, but there are days where I just don't know how... Family's good, better than we've been in a long time, I might add. Minus Sam and Eric moving yesterday, the friendships are pretty solid too. It's been a long time since I've actually been able to say that I am perfectly happy.

Another side note: To those of you whom I know will question this; I've decided against quitting smoking for the time being. Now, that said, I refuse to buy packs anymore. I've gotten fairly good at talking myself out of buying one. For now, I'm just going to be a light smoker. Getting rid of a crutch that's lasted almost 12 years
is no easy task, and with everything else going on right now, I can't focus enough to put my foot down...

I have issues and kinks to be solved and worked out, but generally, yeah. I'm happy. :)

It's The Little Things That Kill;

I've noticed quite a few things the last few weeks. While I still may not have money very often, my habit of using it all on useless junk has dissipated. I'm able to get more things done that I need to. I just don't feel like spending money on myself anymore. I have more important things to worry about.

I bought a new bus pass yesterday, reduced fair. Saving $15 a month for the next year, not counting how much I'll save from the trips to Tacoma and back. That kind of money adds up. Also, I haven't bought myself a pack of cigarettes in quite some time, so that's just adding even more to my savings.

Every penny I save, I think, "You're that much closer to Japan. It's only a matter of time." Pretty damn good inspiration if you ask me. What better way to save money than to use the one thing you know you want to do more than anything else on the planet? It's helping, a lot.

I have so many people to thank. My life is getting better, little by little. The more it does, the easier I can sit back and just let it happen. Even with me being sick, I'm still somewhat motivated to get things done. I'm also working on breaking my nail biting habit. It's a work in progress.

Some Things You Can't Control;

Now, I really don't mean to offend or upset anyone by posting this, but this is just something I've been a little upset with for a while now. You say you're my friend, but you insist that there are things about me that need to change. You say you care, and yet when I ask for help, nobody steps up to bat. Now I don't want to sound like a selfish bitch, but you have to cut me some slack here. I can't do everything.

Some people react to things differently than you do. I react by getting things off my chest. Maybe not in the best way, but that's the only way I really know how. I know I complain, but seriously? Who doesn't? Give me a list of names that you know don't complain at least once a day. You can't. You know that.

Some people, while they understand quite a few aspects of your personality, still don't understand quite everything. Nobody is the same person. We live different experiences, love different people, and spend our time differently. Is it really so wrong that they act, think, speak, and handle things differently? What about the people who are born physically or mentally unable to do something? You don't sit there and tell them its all in their head and that they can do whatever you can, do you? I would hope not.

Think about it, seriously think about it, and put yourself in my shoes. Look at everything I've been trying to do lately, look at how sick I am now, and tell me you wouldn't be as messed up as me.