Friday, December 30, 2011

It's Amazing How Quickly Things Change;

Just last night, I was in a terrible mood. I hated my life, or lack thereof. I woke up today with a completely different mood. I felt like I could do just about anything. It didn't make any sense to me. How could I have gone from being in such a terrible mood, to being a COMPLETELY different person the very next day?

Suddenly it all made sense, and this is a list of reasons why.

Today, something changed. I've never been too great at managing my money, but today, not only did I have enough money to do everything I needed to, I also had money left over. That usually never happens, because I usually just buy random crap because I have the ability to. Not this time. I really think not buying myself cigarettes has something to do with it. That's another thing. It's fairly hard for me to not think about smoking during the day. Lately, I haven't thought about it much at all. Except for last night. But oh well.

I really think things are changing for the better. I've also come to terms with the fact that I'm spending the majority of my time alone. My self esteem has gotten better in the last few months, now I'm rarely wearing makeup, or taking 19384393 different pictures, and saving one. I've gotten myself to take a total of maybe 10 pictures a day, or less. Today, I took 2 the whole time I was out, then took 3 when I got home.

Another thing that's been hard for me to figure out in the past: People walk away. It's bound to happen. I can't hold onto them forever, no matter how hard I try.. UNLESS they're real friends. I have a few of those, that I know if I really needed them, they'd be there in a flash. Whether it be a phone call, or a text message, or a "You want me to kill them for you?" conversation, they're there for me. What more do I need in life?

There it is folks. My positive thinking has begun once again.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

When All Hope Is Lost;

People say good things come to those who wait. I would honestly have to say that's a load of crap. I've been waiting for weeks. Waiting for something to happen, anything. What do I have? Jack SQUAT.

I've lost my friends, I hardly see my family, and I know this is purely my fault. I don't ever want to do anything anymore. I'm sick of doing everything and getting nothing in return. I would just love it if someone could prove that I'm not repulsive to be around, but the more I expect it, the more I know it won't happen.

I was doing so well. I was happy for the first time in a long time, and out of nowhere, now the only thing I feel is loneliness. That's it. I can't feel anything else anymore. I won't let myself, and I can't stop myself either. It's the only constant thing in my life lately. That sounds so pathetic, but it's the truth. I lose everything. Always.

Whether it be my pushing someone away, or them just walking out on me, I always lose. I wish I knew why I was like this. I wish I knew why people couldn't stand to be around me. I wish I could change. I wish, I wish, I wish. It seems like that's all I can do anymore, is wish, and lay here feeling sorry for myself.

Oh well, at least it's something I'm good at. God knows I'm terrible at everything else.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Nothing To Hide;

Things are getting better. I feel okay more than half the time I'm alone in my room. I actually prefer it now. I still love the outdoors, especially in Olympia, but at the same time I love my bed just as much. If you know me, you know one of my BIGGEST fears is being alone. Well, I am. For the most part.

You know that phrase "Surrounded by people but completely alone"? Yeah, that's me right now. I have a select few friends that I still talk to every now and then, and occasionally, I'll hang out with someone just to have a good time and see someone I care about, but loneliness is the only trend in my life now. And yet, for some reason it doesn't bug me quite as much as it used to. This makes me happy.

I've made mistakes, just like everyone has, but I'm finally starting to learn from mine. I'm starting to learn how to make everything better, and how to keep a positive attitude as well. It's not easy, but I'm doing okay. Funny. It's been a long time since I've said that, and actually meant it.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Brain in a fog;

I've been out of it for two days straight. I honestly couldn't answer a single question without lagging. Sad to say that that is a sure sign of me getting sick. The sicker I get, the dumber I get as well.

Ask anyone. I'm sure someone will verify that. It doesn't make any sense really. Sickness doesn't provide stupidity in their package. On top of all of this, I've been so stressed out lately that I've had a twitch in my left eye for about a week now. And it just keeps going. I don't have the ability to control it either.

Just kinda makes me wonder, what am I stressed about? I mean, there's not really a whole lot going on for me right now, other than the fight I had with Sam and Eric. But I'm over that. Their loss. Not mine. I know I'm not stressed about that because I've already made the decision to cut them out of my life as soon as possible.

I'm not doing that because they did something wrong, I'm doing it because I just can't handle aspects of their personality, big ones. I have no choice. If I want to continue my life, I need to stop letting people bring me down. It's not fair to anyone in the situation to just drag things out if they wouldn't work anyway.

I honestly think that was a door closing behind me. I usually don't write people off entirely just like that. Normally, I'm the one dragging things out because I've always hated people leaving me. Lately though, I've realized one major thing. I'm an adult. How would an adult handle this? So here I am.

I believe this is what brought me to the decision to plan out the next year of my life. If I can conquer my fear of being alone, which, finally, I have, is there anything I can't do? I fucking doubt it. <3

Thursday, December 22, 2011

What is the world coming to?

Seriously, what is up with the rude jokes and cracks about autistic, or mentally ill people? It's unfair of you to judge people on how their brain functions. I have an autistic brother, don't sit there and joke around about stuff like that to me, because you know it's going to upset me.

Nobody's perfect, but people insist on making fun of people who are at a lesser advantage. Does it make you feel better when you pick on someone who isn't able to fight back? You're pathetic.

These Times Are Changing

Now, in the last year, I've made mistakes, I've moved around, a lot, and I've gained and lost many friends. Currently, I'm alone for the most part, but I honestly couldn't be happier about it. I'm finally getting somewhere in life, and I've got the motivation I need to do what I want to do with my life.

Just in case anyone's curious, I've already planned out the 5 things I want to do this year.

1.) Get my GED.
2.) Get a job.
3.) License & Car.
4.) College (Psych major preferably)
5.) My own place.

Be happy, completely. That is my main goal this year. I'm not letting anyone stand in my way anymore. I will not tolerate anything other than constructive criticism, because anything else is a waste of my time. I don't care if you disapprove of my choices, I have people elsewhere that will support me far more than you ever will.

Now, I'm giving myself until the new year to have my free time, because if I want to get all of this done in a year, I'm not going to have much free time later on. I'm okay with this, because too much free time just makes it harder for me to focus myself on being happy.

Why only a year? Because I know if I give myself longer, I'll only dawdle until it's too late. I have to give myself a shorter time frame, that way I actually feel strapped for time, and I'm able to throw myself into it without losing motivation. Somehow, I have a great feeling about all of this, like I can actually do it.

I honestly want to thank anyone and everyone who's shown me support in the last year, I've been through some crazy stuff, and no matter how hard it got, I always had someone to rely on through everything. I could not have made it through some of the things I've dealt with by myself. Thank everyone who's taken time out of their day to show me that they care for me. I won't ever forget how helpful everyone has been.