Wednesday, April 4, 2012

There's No Point In Living If You Can't Feel Alive;

I can't even begin to explain how terrible my week has been. From about Saturday, continuing through today, I've been nothing but a stress ball. Today, has been extremely awful. With finding out I may be losing my job, and the fact that I've been in serious pain for a good 3 days now, and getting into a really bad fight with my best friend, who was the big motivator for the move to Lynnwood, I definitely hit breaking point. I had to ask Mir to take me away from everything because if I didn't escape I was probably going to make a huge mistake. One I couldn't exactly come back from. The thought scared the living shit out of me. It was bad enough that I even stopped, and contemplated all of the reasons why I should do it, and the benefits that people would get out of my being gone. I ended up bursting into tears in Mir's car. I haven't cried like that in front of anyone in months. I'm not okay with how I feel right now, and I don't know how long it will last. All I know is that I'm gonna be up all night, decorating my room, and making my resume. I have to keep going. It's only going to get harder from here. I have to get past this to get to my future. I refuse to back down. Even a little.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Enjoy The Little Things;

I've noticed, that while my meltdowns are still relatively intense, they're also becoming scarce. It's been a long time since I've actually spent longer than a few hours hating everything and everyone (okay, let's be real, I hate humanity as a whole, for a number of reasons, but there are times where I just can't bite my tongue). I'm generally a happier, more outgoing person, when I'm around people I trust and enjoy. Around others, I've noticed that I'm not really shy, but more along the lines of cautious.

It's truly not that my hatred for humanity blocks out my ability to enjoy people, it's mostly the fact that in the last few months, I've learned to rely on people a lot less, and in doing so, I've cut ties with almost everyone, in an effort to keep up with it. I know it's okay to ask for help sometimes, but right now that's the last thing I need to do. I'm almost 24 years old. "It's time to nut up or shut up."

I really am grateful for those people who have been there through some of my worst moments, and I'm especially grateful to the ones who taught me that sometimes you have to be alone to learn the lessons you wouldn't be able to learn otherwise. I've come a long way, just in the last few months. I truly have.

At the same time, however, with these turn of events also comes a relatively abnormal stress level (for someone like me, anyway). There's so much to think about, so much to remember, so much to learn. It's hard trying to focus on so many things at once, and it feels like if I lose focus in even one thing, the whole thing will come crashing down. I have faith in myself these days, though. I can get through this.