I've noticed, that while my meltdowns are still relatively intense, they're also becoming scarce. It's been a long time since I've actually spent longer than a few hours hating everything and everyone (okay, let's be real, I hate humanity as a whole, for a number of reasons, but there are times where I just can't bite my tongue). I'm generally a happier, more outgoing person, when I'm around people I trust and enjoy. Around others, I've noticed that I'm not really shy, but more along the lines of cautious.
It's truly not that my hatred for humanity blocks out my ability to enjoy people, it's mostly the fact that in the last few months, I've learned to rely on people a lot less, and in doing so, I've cut ties with almost everyone, in an effort to keep up with it. I know it's okay to ask for help sometimes, but right now that's the last thing I need to do. I'm almost 24 years old. "It's time to nut up or shut up."
I really am grateful for those people who have been there through some of my worst moments, and I'm especially grateful to the ones who taught me that sometimes you have to be alone to learn the lessons you wouldn't be able to learn otherwise. I've come a long way, just in the last few months. I truly have.
At the same time, however, with these turn of events also comes a relatively abnormal stress level (for someone like me, anyway). There's so much to think about, so much to remember, so much to learn. It's hard trying to focus on so many things at once, and it feels like if I lose focus in even one thing, the whole thing will come crashing down. I have faith in myself these days, though. I can get through this.
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