Monday, July 20, 2015
Well, hello again.
It has been quite some time since I have done something like this, which only means this will be a long, somewhat frazzled post. So much to let go of, and so much to share just for the sake of sharing.
A lot has happened in the last few years. There was a small stretch of time where I figuratively hit rock-bottom and destroyed my self-esteem, self-respect, and very nearly my own life. Not quite something worth mentioning, but along the end of that came someone who aided me in beginning the task of rebuilding my life. As short-lived as the occassion was, it has led to so many positive things in my life, which will make me forever grateful it happened at all.
Some of these positive things are wonderful surprises, such as removing the unhealthy temptations of my previous life, earning a semi-official certificate of education, which led to a future which neither I, or my family, expected to ever occur. My first attempt at community college did not quite go as planned, but it taught me that hard work and patience will get you everything you ask for, if you have the willpower to do it. Following this, I finally landed a job, after almost a decade of either not caring, or not being able to find work. The job isn't much and it won't last long, but the people I am surrounded with are more like me than I've ever found elsewhere.
Unfortunately, negativity is unavoidable. So many of our fellow humans are too scared of whatever may frighten them, and we all know fear does not promote positivty. This is just not okay, on any level. Humanity is a feat to be reckoned with, with our wars, hatred and greed being traits that turn us into some questionable people. We allow it all ourselves, however, with our tendency to repel that which we find threatening. We only get what we put out into the world, isn't that what everyone says these days? So why put out negativity and hurtful things? It seems pointless to do that to yourself, as well as everyone else. We all have our burdens to bear, let's stop focusing on everyone else's drama or success.
I am thrown into a long, stressful search for full time work, due to the loss of a long-held crutch that has allowed me to survive with ease for the last decade. Mere weeks remain until the final stretch of this phase in my life. No, I am not experiencing the worst life can give me. Of that, I am well aware. I have, in the past, experienced worse things. This does not make me better than those who have not experienced these things. It is none of my business what others have been through, so why are we so focused on what everyone else is doing with their lives?
No matter any situation, we need to remember that the only person we can truly trust with everything we have is ourselves. If we don't want someone to use us, why not fight for our self-respect and our trust? Show them that you are not one to back down when it comes to a fight. I have always believed this, no matter how crazed my life got. Early on, maybe I believed this too strongly. Many of my years were spent fighting any source of difference in my life that I didn't approve of. It was my way, or you got a literal earful. Not a good way to live your life as a child. This caused a long life of declining willpower and internal strength, due to fear of regression (which has occurred at least once in the last decade). That very regression led to the final straw on the proverbial camel's back, which then led to the epiphany that maybe, just maybe, I was going about it all wrong.
Any situation, any problem, any challenge; In order to get past it, we have to WORK on it and TALK about it. You cannot get through something entirely on your own if you don't have complete and utter trust in yourself and your beliefs. It's taken me a long time, and one or two life-threatening situations, for me to come to terms with this. Not only does it cause low self-worth and self-respect, but it hardens you to those who would be nothing but loving.
I owe a lot of these thoughts to one person who came at a time in my life that, on more than one occassion, made me wonder where I would be today, had he not come around. My newfound self-respect comes from long talks, or extensive texts, full of talk about body image, the will to love yourself, and to outgrow those pesky comfort zones you bury yourself in.
Thank you for being the exact kind of father figure I have always needed in my life. Some days, I'll admit to wishing you could have come around sooner, but you being here at all is more than enough.