There's No Point In Living If You Can't Feel Alive;

I can't even begin to explain how terrible my week has been. From about Saturday, continuing through today, I've been nothing but a stress ball. Today, has been extremely awful. With finding out I may be losing my job, and the fact that I've been in serious pain for a good 3 days now, and getting into a really bad fight with my best friend, who was the big motivator for the move to Lynnwood, I definitely hit breaking point. I had to ask Mir to take me away from everything because if I didn't escape I was probably going to make a huge mistake. One I couldn't exactly come back from. The thought scared the living shit out of me. It was bad enough that I even stopped, and contemplated all of the reasons why I should do it, and the benefits that people would get out of my being gone. I ended up bursting into tears in Mir's car. I haven't cried like that in front of anyone in months. I'm not okay with how I feel right now, and I don't know how long it will last. All I know is that I'm gonna be up all night, decorating my room, and making my resume. I have to keep going. It's only going to get harder from here. I have to get past this to get to my future. I refuse to back down. Even a little.

Enjoy The Little Things;

I've noticed, that while my meltdowns are still relatively intense, they're also becoming scarce. It's been a long time since I've actually spent longer than a few hours hating everything and everyone (okay, let's be real, I hate humanity as a whole, for a number of reasons, but there are times where I just can't bite my tongue). I'm generally a happier, more outgoing person, when I'm around people I trust and enjoy. Around others, I've noticed that I'm not really shy, but more along the lines of cautious.

It's truly not that my hatred for humanity blocks out my ability to enjoy people, it's mostly the fact that in the last few months, I've learned to rely on people a lot less, and in doing so, I've cut ties with almost everyone, in an effort to keep up with it. I know it's okay to ask for help sometimes, but right now that's the last thing I need to do. I'm almost 24 years old. "It's time to nut up or shut up."

I really am grateful for those people who have been there through some of my worst moments, and I'm especially grateful to the ones who taught me that sometimes you have to be alone to learn the lessons you wouldn't be able to learn otherwise. I've come a long way, just in the last few months. I truly have.

At the same time, however, with these turn of events also comes a relatively abnormal stress level (for someone like me, anyway). There's so much to think about, so much to remember, so much to learn. It's hard trying to focus on so many things at once, and it feels like if I lose focus in even one thing, the whole thing will come crashing down. I have faith in myself these days, though. I can get through this.

They Say That Things Change;

Everything around me is moving at a faster pace than I am. I'm doing my best to keep up but I feel like I'm dragging people behind. Two of my best friends just moved into their own apartment, one of them has a job that he loves, and she's even going out looking for one. What am I doing? Slacking off at the job I have now; Even if it is a small one, that's still not something I should be doing. So now it's time to stop.

I won't say I'm going to try. I won't say I can't do it, because I know I can. I've held out for this long, why back out now? This job has already opened up quite a few possibilities for me, emotionally more than anything. I honestly feel better than I have in months lately, (minus the time I spent being sick, that kind of messed things up a bit) and I'm going to do whatever it takes to continue the path I'm on now.

There's more than one reason I'm finally buckling down, one of which is the trip to Japan I plan to make before I'm 30. The other one, well, that one's still just something I'm debating on. I already feel like I've decided but I really wanna do more research and give it more thought before I make a solid decision. Now, if you don't mind me, I've got some sleep to catch up on.

Sleep-Deprived; Somewhat Maniacal Ranting:

Okay, so nobody in the house is awake except for me. I get to spend all day scrubbing walls. Let me tell you, my back is quite literally on fire right now. Granted, taking behavioral medication to complete these tasks may not be the best way to go about it, but lately I can't seem to focus on anything except for work, my friends, and my family. I'm honestly starting to think I'm in trouble, considering all the goals I had this year.

I do have a job, but not much of one. It's almost summertime and I haven't really lost any weight, it keeps fluctuating because I'm not on a proper diet. I have yet to even save up for an apartment, let alone a car. There are so many things I want to do and it feels like the harder I try, the slower progress is made. I have to fight myself just to get out of bed for work these days. If only I hadn't gotten sick... That ruined everything.

No worries. I just have to keep working, and keep doing what I can, because giving up is not the way to get things done. I'm thinking of making fliers hiring myself out to babysit/petsit or just do odd jobs. I need to get myself out there if I'm ever going to get somewhere. I'm terrified to work with people, mostly because I just don't trust anyone, unless they've proven themselves. I hate humanity. Unfortunately.

On a side note; I just wanna share with everyone how much better I've been. Work is going well, minus the few days I missed due to the 2-week long virus that ran around town. I've been ATTEMPTING to teach myself how to focus on one certain task, but there are days where I just don't know how... Family's good, better than we've been in a long time, I might add. Minus Sam and Eric moving yesterday, the friendships are pretty solid too. It's been a long time since I've actually been able to say that I am perfectly happy.

Another side note: To those of you whom I know will question this; I've decided against quitting smoking for the time being. Now, that said, I refuse to buy packs anymore. I've gotten fairly good at talking myself out of buying one. For now, I'm just going to be a light smoker. Getting rid of a crutch that's lasted almost 12 years
is no easy task, and with everything else going on right now, I can't focus enough to put my foot down...

I have issues and kinks to be solved and worked out, but generally, yeah. I'm happy. :)

It's The Little Things That Kill;

I've noticed quite a few things the last few weeks. While I still may not have money very often, my habit of using it all on useless junk has dissipated. I'm able to get more things done that I need to. I just don't feel like spending money on myself anymore. I have more important things to worry about.

I bought a new bus pass yesterday, reduced fair. Saving $15 a month for the next year, not counting how much I'll save from the trips to Tacoma and back. That kind of money adds up. Also, I haven't bought myself a pack of cigarettes in quite some time, so that's just adding even more to my savings.

Every penny I save, I think, "You're that much closer to Japan. It's only a matter of time." Pretty damn good inspiration if you ask me. What better way to save money than to use the one thing you know you want to do more than anything else on the planet? It's helping, a lot.

I have so many people to thank. My life is getting better, little by little. The more it does, the easier I can sit back and just let it happen. Even with me being sick, I'm still somewhat motivated to get things done. I'm also working on breaking my nail biting habit. It's a work in progress.

Some Things You Can't Control;

Now, I really don't mean to offend or upset anyone by posting this, but this is just something I've been a little upset with for a while now. You say you're my friend, but you insist that there are things about me that need to change. You say you care, and yet when I ask for help, nobody steps up to bat. Now I don't want to sound like a selfish bitch, but you have to cut me some slack here. I can't do everything.

Some people react to things differently than you do. I react by getting things off my chest. Maybe not in the best way, but that's the only way I really know how. I know I complain, but seriously? Who doesn't? Give me a list of names that you know don't complain at least once a day. You can't. You know that.

Some people, while they understand quite a few aspects of your personality, still don't understand quite everything. Nobody is the same person. We live different experiences, love different people, and spend our time differently. Is it really so wrong that they act, think, speak, and handle things differently? What about the people who are born physically or mentally unable to do something? You don't sit there and tell them its all in their head and that they can do whatever you can, do you? I would hope not.

Think about it, seriously think about it, and put yourself in my shoes. Look at everything I've been trying to do lately, look at how sick I am now, and tell me you wouldn't be as messed up as me.

It's A Little Bit Funny, This Feeling Inside;

Okay. I admit. I was wrong. Horribly wrong.

Ever since I started working out, and dieting, my energy level has been through the roof. Yesterday, I actually left the house MORE THAN ONCE. Planned on just taking a stroll around the neighborhood. Instead, I took a longer, more scenic route around Martin Way. Then, not long after coming home, left once again. This is relatively unlike me as of late, and it's weirding me out a little bit.

Not only am I motivated, but I'm motivated in all the right ways. Today, I woke up, with so much energy that a light bulb probably went off or exploded over my head, metaphorically, of course. I cleaned the kitchen, which was already relatively sparkly and clean. Since that didn't take up much time, I cleaned my room. Now, normally, I just straighten it up a bit, so it's never actually really dirty, but today that just wasn't cutting it. I do believe I spent a total of two hours, just cleaning my room. Very unlike me.

Now, if only I had a way to get around, I could actually leave my house. That's a work in progress though, I'm afraid. There's only so much I have control of as of this moment. Ah well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Anywho, thanks are given to friends and family who've shown me how stupid I was in the past. I say that because I know it's true. I could have been doing more than sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. Now, I feel like if I had the proper tools, I could do The Brain's dirty work for him.

"Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!"