Tearing At The Seams;

I have so much to be happy about lately, and yet so much to be scared of.

I've lost most of my friends by this point, and for the most part I'm okay with that. However, no matter how hard we try to deny it, we human beings rely on each other, no matter how hard we try not to. It may be for personal reasons, or even work-related. Either way, we all rely on each other somehow. 

I really do try not to rely on others, unless it's to talk to. I've always felt my life has been easier when I have someone who will listen to my crazed rants, give me the brutal truth, and still be there when I realize I was wrong. However, I've yet to completely regain my trust for the general population. Then there's the minor situation of no transportation or identification... 

I firmly believe that everything has reasoning behind it. Everything we encounter is a set path for us. I see this as a test, to prove myself, or a sign that I haven't truly started rebuilding myself just yet because I still had so much to lose. Either way, I know that I can get myself through this, I just have to keep my chin up. Until I get everything on track, I've just been reading/watching anime, learning new life lessons, because you can never learn too many life lessons. Even if they are irrelevant, they may not be in the future.

Learning Experience;

So, I lost my wallet today, wandering around downtown. I'm not exactly sure how, I just know I went to Bayview for sushi and it was gone. I wandered around for two hours looking for it, constantly checking the transit center. My identity was in there. All of it. As well as my food stamps card, and a copy of my green card. This is the first time I've lost something of this magnitude in quite some time.

I can't blow it off and act like everything's okay. If my wallet doesn't turn up, there's a chance I have to start completely over, and unfortunately, I literally cannot do it without help. Some of the things that have been said to me prove how selfish the world is. Everything has a price in someone's mind, or, some people just don't care about your problems, and just tell you to get over it, or say something that only makes you feel worse.

Then there's the times when you think you can rely on someone when you need them, only to be wrong. It took me so long just to be able to find a way to get myself home today. I called at least 4 people. Nobody answered, or ever responded to my messages. Yeah, I'm pissed. I needed help and nobody was there. So it's true, I can't rely on anybody but myself. So here I go to fix the problem I got myself into, alone.

Lost for Motivation;

The last few days have been fairly great, productivity-wise. Lately I just haven't been able to allow myself to sit still very long. There's so much to do, I don't know why I didn't see it sooner. I guess I just thought, "Hey I have plenty of time left." Wrong. So wrong. I have so much to do, just in the next year or two. If I would have started this two years ago I'd be done by now. Oh well. We all make mistakes.

I've been so intent on keeping myself busy, that it's causing a lot of pain. There hasn't been a single day this week where my back hasn't hurt like hell, but I'm suffering through it. I have to teach myself to ignore the pain, and just do what I need to do. There are so many things I have to do, I'm almost going insane from it all.

Study, find a job, GED, my own apartment, college, license, car. In that specific order. Crap.

That's some mighty fine cleaning solution;

I can't believe how amazing my day has been. I'm dead serious. I've been super productive today. Finally back into my HTML stuff, spent 4 hours fixing a profile of mine, cleaned the kitchen spotless, overall, I'm pleased. I think I'm finally on my way to better things, and its about time if you ask me.

I'm happy to say that there are a few people that I honestly love to death for what they've done for me. I've finally found the right people to surround myself with. You guys are amazing. Whether its your brutal honesty, your ability to make me laugh, or helping me better myself for myself, I honestly appreciate it all. It's been a rough two years, and in the end, I found the people I could rely on. <3

When Life Gives You Lemons; Use It For Cleaning Solution.

So, it's been a couple days since my last post, I apologize. I've been focusing mainly on studying, and staying out of my room as much as I possibly can. The last few days have been abnormally great. Up until this morning. It's come to my attention that a girl who very nearly ruined my life is coming back to Olympia. I'm sure some of you already know the story. I bought her alcohol, and she didn't handle herself in public. Got arrested, gave them my name and address, and told them I was solely responsible for her. Without my knowing any of this was going on. She dragged me to a rave that night, and ditched me. I was lucky, and ran into somebody I knew rather well while I was there. Made it home safely, and promptly was kicked out.

Keep in mind, it's not as big of a deal as it sounds. This is something from the past, and it's still got a slight hold on my mind, but not anything serious. I was mistreated by someone I saw as my best friend, someone I could talk to about anything and everything. I trusted her, with my own life almost. Then she abused that trust. It was her who started the process of me being able to write people off that screw me over too badly.

On the other hand, it was nobody's fault other than my own. I made a stupid choice, knowing it was stupid, and I dealt with the consequences. Granted, they ended up being nowhere near as horrible as they could have been, I know this. Instead of spending some time in jail, I had to sacrifice another dear friend to the drama. While I was dealing with being screwed over, I guess in some way this person had had enough.

Now like I said before, I've dealt with the consequences, and it's only got a semi-grip on my mind, but in some ways, this incident has also helped me. Without it, I would not be where I am today. I wouldn't be on the way to making my life what it should be. I wouldn't have made some of the friends I have now, and even though some of them are gone, they still meant a lot to me at the time. They helped me through some really hard stuff. I just wish they weren't part of the sacrifice I had to make to become a better person.

Anywho, I've gotten my problems off my chest, I'm hoping this was all I needed to finally let go.
Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Running, running as fast as we can, do you think we'd make it?

I've started to notice how easily I turn to escape when I reach a problem. I look up ways to run away from whatever is bothering me, or whatever I don't like, instead of staying, and dealing with the issue.

Fighting with roommates has me looking for apartments at 1am, at the beginning of the month, when I have no money. Why can't I just stay and fight? This is the only option I have right now. Why throw it away?

I honestly don't understand why I do things like this. I run. I push. I fight, when I shouldn't. Maybe it's time I go back to counseling. Who knows. It might help me figure my life out, since apparently I can't do that alone.

First Blog Of The New Year;

We all have resolutions that we break, which is why this year, I'm making a very short list of resolutions, that I know I won't break, because I've got to do them if I want to get somewhere in life.

I don't want to be a failure anymore. I want to be someone who's happy and positive. I don't want people to feel like they can't be around me. I want to be someone everyone loves. That's one of my goals this year.

It's been a long, stressful, exciting, terrifying year, and I'm glad it's finally over. Now is my time to fix the mistakes I have made, or at least know what not to do anymore. I've learned my lesson. Drugs are BAD.

I've got so many plans for this year already, and they're all going to get done. If I have to give myself extra time, I will, but I will not fail in my missions. I won't allow myself to.